it's what I do.

I love movies. It's "my thing". For me, movies are that one thing that I always have been intensely passionate about. It's more than a hobby, It's what I want to do for the rest of my life. 

This obsession developed when I was much younger and I blame my dad. He used to take my brother and me to movies almost every weekend. This is what we did together, we never communicated more than on that car ride home talking about the adventure we had just gone through together. It was sharing in something together. And that was all we needed. Later that passion grew into a full blown out of control obsession. Slowly I began to pick apart the movies I was watching, I would ask myself what I would do differently, how that line should be said or what the actors should be doing and when. I was fascinated with every aspect of the filmmaking process. In many ways it's as close to creation as you can get. Taking words and turning them into a visual story is powerful. When I was 12 my family was given a digital high 8 camcorder for Christmas. As a kid I made my first home movie, a spy thriller that all took place in my living room. (the carpet was a weapon) Genius. I started and never stopped, and I don't plan on it. Over the years the equipment has gotten more impressive but that thing that drives my obsession has never changed. I still make those home movies, and one day I hope to get paid for it. I'm writing about this because it's a big deal to me, this is usually one of the first things people learn about me. And if you see me with a video camera on campus you'll know why!

Revelation... Growth

       In the Bible, God puts a great deal of emphasis on the act of revelation. It's a sure means that he gets the glory when he communicates with his people, usually a product of tragedy or struggle. Revelation is powerful because nothing's more real than what you know is taking place inside of you, It's the fastest way to grow. However it doesn't happen for its own sake, it often requires serious reflection. Well, i've been beaten by something new recently... 

       I mentioned in my last blog that this place is inflicting a great deal of change on me. See, i've been home schooled since the 8th grade, as we were brainstorming the other day in class about the differences between high school and college; I realized that none of what we wrote applied to me. I've had a very different experience than most, MC (however small) has more people than I'm used to being around at one time. This makes almost everything somewhat new to me, this of course invites a great deal revelation and growth. Classes like Eng. 1o1 are enforcing and encouraging that with prompts, probing, and questioning that requires a great deal of self reflection. In what ways am I growing, mentally, spiritually or even physically this week? Well, this has given way to a rather alarming revelation about growth itself. I didn't grow today, at all. Now, it would be easy to label growth as just, figuring things out, but like I said, everything here is new and exciting so of course I'm figuring things out but am I really, truly growing? Is there honest revelatory change in me? Not all the time, this thing that I'm called to sometimes just isn't there, I don't always feel it. I definitely don't know how to maintain it, to stay in a place that will sustain a constant stream of revelation. It's fickle at best, it swings with a mood. I'm trying though, I've been called to pursue it, to know God more in everything that I do, but sometimes I just want to stay still. Maybe I'm just lazy. I'm not fulfilling that call so I feel somewhat substandard. Do any one of you know how to insure growth, a fool proof invitation for revelation? How is that done consistently? 

Perception... Don't Take This the Wrong Way.

          I'm terribly afraid of pride. I'm aware of yours, but I constantly fear my own. Even if I've come to realize something about myself that I know to be true, I dare not let anyone know it. Or, at least, to be pretty subtle  about it, after all it's pride whether I let you know or not, right? That having been said, (my get out of being arrogant free card) I so very, humbly, confess that over the years I've developed an intensely sharp perception of people. I'd like to believe I'm able to see past what people are saying or doing, into what they mean, or what they want me to see. I invest a great deal of thought into what you people say and do. There is little to distinguish this from pure judgment, which in today's culture, to bear that label is social suicide. I prefer to consider it mere, honest observation. There's a very good chance that you don't know me at all, I don't talk in class, I'd rather watch others talk. Now reading over this I realize how misinterpretation could lead you to believe I'm just a little bit creepy, I promise you, dateline is no where in my future. I just feel like I learn a great deal more keeping my thoughts to myself, letting them bounce around a little bit, and allowing revelation to come in it's own time. Now that you know my point of view, let me tell about my first day of English 101k. I arrived a little early, everyone sat in silence waiting for Dr. Randle, as the clock struck noon-ish, he walked in (how/why do they do that?) His voice was a little shaky as he introduced the class, nerves that have obviously worn off with time. He talked about the syllabus, what we would be spending the next few weeks discovering, dissecting together. It didn't take long at all for me to catch myself wanting desperately to impress him, not just him, but everyone in that room. "Hurry think of something intelligent to say!" However my revelation couldn't move at the same speed of his questioning. Other's jumped on them first, which snap me back into critically perceptive mode. It's terribly obvious that I'm not the only one with this objective, the chimes of intellectual eloquence constantly ring, often falling terribly short but that doesn't and well shouldn't stop anyone from trying. I'll confess, even now, I carefully arrange my words with hopes they will impress. After all, who can blame us? A little positive attention doesn't hurt anybody, such is one of our most basic human instincts, something we all have in common, I want you to like me, even from a distance. It's rather entertaining to me, but I'm right there with you, so don't take this the wrong way. It's good for us I think, I take it in even if you never hear it come out again. It's a little bit annoying however, but that's my problem. What I'm learning from this place that my powerful and pride-filled perception of all that I see isn't necessarily what's happening. Action is interpreted through a filter, a pair of eye glasses that is constantly changing based on my life experience to this point and more immediately my mood of the day. I have a Jesus pair of spectacles, I've got a critical pair, and even one with blinders on it. Sometimes they change several times in a day, right now for instance, I'm listening to Pink Floyd's The Wall while writing this (yes, that's what's wrong with me) which in turn makes me coldly subjective. Anyway, I'm really loving this class, for nothing else than to play philosopher for a hour or so, but I think it's helping me combine those modes of perception into one. I'm learning that no one's as flat as I've simplified before, people are like paper crumpled up into a ball, light shined from one direction casts shadows in other places (metaphors give me a head ache). I credit a great deal of this that learning to this class, I think that's kind of a big deal, said Ron. Sorry I'm rambling, but such are the inner workings of my head.